A 9 point letter to parents

Dear Parents,

I write this letter on behalf of your child, who loves you very very much. They appreciate everything that you have done for them- all the sacrifices, all the money spent on them, all the late night trips to the hospital- everything. They will always be grateful for that and respect you for it. Nothing they do will ever repay what you have done for them, please know that. BUT, there are some things which are weighing heavy on your child’s mind. Things which make them cry alone at night and walk around with an aching heart. They haven’t told you this because they are afraid they will hurt you. Here are the things they wish you knew:

1. Your son/daughter has their own personality. Even though they are your children, they are completely different human beings. They grew up in a different time, with different standards. What worked for you when you were young, will not necessarily work for them. Sometimes what you think is good for them is the very thing that is hurting them.

2. Your son/daughter desperately wants to be your friend. They want to discuss things with you-things that interest them, things that depress them. Don’t you want to be their friend too? Have you wondered then why they aren’t opening up to you? Could it be how you react when they tell you something personal?

3. Your daughter would appreciate it more if you invested the money set aside for her wedding on her education instead. She wants to grow in her profession and make a name for herself. She wants to be on her own two feet instead of having to depend on someone else for the rest of her life. And she hates that you have to pay an exorbitant amount to her in laws just to get her married. She doesn’t want anything to do with a person who thinks of marriage as a business deal. You daughter doesn’t want to become a baby making machine that makes perfectly round rotis too.

4. Your son wants to tell you that he doesn’t want to marry a woman just because she is good at ‘housework’. He doesn’t want a maid for the house, he can just hire one. Instead he wants someone he can trust and truly love. Someone who gets him and inspires him to grow and better himself. Someone who will stand by him through the roughest of life’s waves. You son wants a partner for himself, not a chef and cleaner for the entire household.

5. Your children value your inputs and suggestions when it comes to the important decisions in life, be it education, career or marriage. But more than anything they want your support and understanding when they make their own choices. Yes, you may have their best interests at heart, but standing by your child when he/she makes a choice they are sure of is the best thing you can do for them. When I look around, so many of the happy and successful people I know are at the place they are because of the support of parents who gave them enough freedom to grow.

6. Your child’s happiness is more important than what people will think or say. Did the people or the society help you pay your bills or look after your family when you were sick? No. Then why must you let people’s opinions come in the way of what your child truly wants to do? Why is ‘society kya kahegi?’ heavier than your child’s mental and emotional well being? Is an engineering or medicine degree more valuable than your child’s talent, passion and ambition?

7. The thing with love is, it’s like a tree- the more you leave it free to expand its branches and shoot into the sky, the more firmly it spreads its roots into the earth. Your job is to nurture the sapling, be careful not to uproot the whole plant in the process.

8. Please loosen the grip you have over your child. You may not have noticed but he/she is finding it hard to breathe. And some of your children are hurting so bad because of this that they are contemplating self harm to end their pain.

9. Weren’t there things you never did or could do because of fear of what people will say? When you think about those things, do you have anything except regrets? Please be the first one to stop this life-sucking, soul crushing dependence on other’s opinions. Don’t let regret be the only thing your child inherits from you.

I hope you will reflect on these points and have a heart to heart conversation with your child. It is long overdue and they will thank you for it.

Love