I have a confession.

Sometimes, when someone says something hurtful to me, I freeze. I can’t open my mouth and protect myself. Then before I know it tears are streaming down my cheeks. The person who said those things would have moved on and I would still be left going over it in my mind. Thinking of the hundred different ways I could have responded. Maybe I should have said something insulting back? Maybe I should have made fun of them? Maybe…

It eats me out.

By keeping quiet and not letting it get to me I can take the higher road. Or by replying firmly I can make it clear that I do not appreciate those words/tone. BUT, I am stuck in the midst of the both and end up with a grudge in my heart that only poisons and hurts me, no one else.

But, when I think about it, in the instances where I have responded with silence or kept quiet instead of blowing my top off, it has paid off. Marriage is one place I have reaped the reward for patience. All married couples will tell you that arguments are inevitable. Sometimes these arguments evolve to big fights. I have noticed though that whenever one of us keeps quiet, my husband and I resolve the argument much much faster. When I am fire, he is water. And vice versa. When we have stuck to this rule, there have been fewer tears and heartbreaks. But when we flout this, and both of us let our anger carry us away, the result is a messier fight that needs a lot more time and effort to resolve. [It doesn’t mean we don’t talk about the issue, we just resolve it when we are calmer and extreme emotions are safely tucked away]

I hear it from so many people around, the hurt that a fight with a loved one caused. It’s not what was said, it was the way it was said, the anger and viciousness. The after effects leave cracks that never heal. We need to create a space where disagreement doesn’t result in broken people. How? This:

The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth and who, when aggressive people address them, reply, with words of peace.” [25:63]

I find this the one verse a guide on how to conduct myself in the world, especially in the age of trolls and haters. While I don’t always succeed, it has helped me in more ways than I can count, especially in my relationships with my husband, immediate family, and friends.

This verse says– do not take yourself too seriously; be grounded. You are NOT out of the reach of aggression and taunts. You WILL encounter it as you go about your life (hence the ‘when’ instead of ‘if’). The goodness lies in you not letting those words get to you and instead responding with calmness. And to respond with peace when faced with aggression, you yourself need to be at peace.

A major chunk of our problems come out of not knowing the etiquettes of disagreement when discussing opposing points of view with loved ones. There should be a course on how to disagree respectfully, because as things are now, we take people close to us for granted and say hurtful things to them without any filter. There would be fewer divorces, family feuds,and misunderstandings amongst friends if people would learn to live up to their true selves instead of wasting time over minor scuffles that then escalate.

Maybe we, those reading this, can make a change- a ripple effect. Let’s try reaching that place where we can respond to aggression with calmness, to hurt with understanding, to difference with acceptance. A world with even a hundred happier people is still a better place.