Six Ways to Pluck Nosy People Out of Your Life

We’ve all had to face questions about our career, marriage plans, and little human appearances at least once in our life. If you are a woman, definitely more than once. But the thing is, no aunty or uncle has any business peeking into your life or uterus. So here are some tried and tested tips to stop people from meddling in your binezz.

1. Do not smile when they ask intrusive questions.

Smiling encourages these people. Intrusive folks are kinda like vampires. They feed off on silence and smiles, taking that as a sign to further suck your energy out. Do. Not. Smile. If possible, frown. Gagging, falling to the floor dramatically and spasming also works. Shout ‘Et tu, Brute?’ before pretending to die.

1. Change the subject.

Pretend you had temporary hearing loss and didn’t hear what they said. Ask them about the new sari they are wearing or about the darling son who’s in Amreeka now. If an uncle, ask him his opinion on the latest headline and plug your earphones in as he drones on.

1. Be Frank

If the hearing loss trick doesn’t work, be straightforward and tell them you are not comfortable discussing personal matters with outsiders. They may get hurt, but that’s the price you pay for unnecessarily meddling in others’ lives. As the saying goes ‘MaH wOmB man RuLeZz’ (No there isn’t any saying like that). If it’s a marriage question, ask them why they want you to be as miserable as they are.

1. Shock and Awe

Some people don’t learn with the above step, for them there is only shock and awe. One of my very good friends related this story to me- One random woman walked up to her at a wedding and asked her how many kids she has. Now my friend is not even married, let alone have kids. But this lady didn’t bother with knowing anything about my friend before asking her this question. My friend decided to play along and said she has four kids. The lady was impressed and asked ‘what does your husband do?’ ‘I am not married’ my friend replied sweetly and walked away. Watch that jaw hit the floor!

1. Embarrass Them

If shock and awe doesn’t work. Complete and utter humiliation is probably the last resort. My friends and cousins have given me a lot of tips to do this to persistent Uterus Territory Invigilators (UTIs). My cousin said, ask them to recommend the ideal position to conceive. Another friend says ask ‘Aunty what worked for you and uncle?’. Or just ask, why are you so curious about whether my uterus is occupied or not? Are you a real estate dealer? Even if you are, trespassers on my uterus will be prosecuted.

1. Be Sassy!

Work that mouth! Tell them you have made 7 horcruxes out of your ovaries and they needn’t worry. Tell them you are allergic to baby powder and diapers and nutty meddlers. Talk about your ambition to conquer the world and be an evil warlord, a spouse or a baby will only get in the way of your plans for total and complete world destruction.

It’s irritating and tiring, these persistent questions. It is hard trying not to explode into flames when a self appointed well wisher tells you should marry before your biological clock’s battery runs out or that you should put aside your career and focus on popping babies before your eggs dry out. If you are like me, you are probably sick of the phrase ‘Good News’. Just remember that you have ultimate power over your timeline when it comes to career, marriage,or babies. Women, your uterus belongs just to you and maybe your baby, if you decide to have one. Give no one room to dictate how you should live your life. Be creative in shutting these people up and share with the rest of us how you did it through the hashtag #BetaGiveUsGoodNews.